How I Found Gratitude After Losing My Husband to Suicide

I've made a daily habit of gratitude on social media for over a year now and I don't plan to stop because it changes my perspective and invites joy amidst the pain in life.

Thanksgiving as a national holiday is not my favorite. Rather than celebrating Thanksgiving on a day in November, I try to celebrate it every day because this week is hard for me.

This week is a reminder of an especially hard time in my story. In 2010 my late husband, Jeff Mains, made a choice to end his life by suicide. At a time when people in the US are focused on preparing for a holiday focused on Thanksgiving, he no longer could find gratitude. He left no note or final thoughts.

I can only imagine what he was thinking about. Since that time I have grieved. Did he know how his choice would impact me, my children, his parents and others that knew him? Did he think the world would be better because he was no longer in it? Did he know that his life was precious and the despair he felt was temporary? I can only imagine.

What I do know is that his choice was his responsibility and I am not to blame. I know that no matter how much I loved, supported, encouraged, prayed, forgave and hoped for him to be able to know he was loved and mattered he couldn't accept it because of the demons that plagued him.

I was so hurt that I don't have words to describe it. I sobbed silently because my tears couldn't find sound. I did things after to clean up the mess he left behind through God's grace and with the help of angels on earth and in heaven that I don't see how I did them. I am forever grateful to the people in my life that supported me and still do.

Because of his loss I have gained a deep appreciation for life and the gift each day brings. My daily gratitude includes my ability to set aside feelings of despair, my worthlessness, bitterness at how unfair life is, fear of failure, anger towards people that betray me in relationships, rage when someone bullies me or those I love, rejection professionally or personally, the grief of being alone when loved ones pass and so many other hard days I experience.

We are all having a hard time in one way or another. Some of us share openly and others hold on silently.

Living as a suicide survivor has changed me. I love more deeply, I forgive more easily and I mourn with those that have hard days. I can sit in grief and allow myself to hurt and get up the next moment with a smile of gratitude for the patience, long suffering and enduring I am capable of.

People ask me how I can be grateful for things I have gone through. The answer is, It's not only one thing, but a combination of things. A medicine mixture of faith in God, in leaning into a relationship with Jesus Christ, accepting His gift of the atonement to heal my broken heart, choosing every day to thank God for everything I experience, finding the good in each day and working to love God, myself and everyone around me.

Little by little this medicine has changed me. Not every day is forward, some days I struggle to feel loved and I cry more and throw a fabulous pity party where I am the only guest! Those parties happen less now and I can move past them more quickly.

To all those having a hard day, I understand and know that they suck. I know what it feels like to miss someone and be angry that they left. I know what it feels like to think you are unimportant and not worthy to be loved. I know how it feels to wonder how you can get up and face a day when all you want to do is sit and cry or eat junk food and wait for the day to end so tomorrow might be better.

I hope for all of us to find the hope that life will get better, that we can see the sunshine hiding behind the clouds. To know that we are loved and we do make this world a better place just by being here.

Let's all choose to give everyone, including ourselves the gifts of forgiveness, mercy and grace as often as we need to.

Life is hard and in the hard there is beauty when we choose to look! Sharing this with love to all mankind! What would the world look like if we each chose to forgive, to love one another rather than find fault and blame and seek revenge for wrongs, take accountability when we behave badly and ask for forgiveness?

I think that would be heaven on earth! "To love another person is to see the face of God"- Les Misérables musical